DEAR HARRIETTE: I am at a loss on how to express my concerns to my cousin. She has gone through some serious emotional trauma at the hands of her parents, and I have witnessed firsthand how she hasn’t fully healed or even addressed those issues seriously. My cousin has been talking about having children, but the thought of her potentially projecting her unresolved issues onto children terrifies me. To make matters worse, she is not even in a committed relationship with the man she wants to have children with. I think she needs to get serious therapy before even entertaining the idea of having kids. I want to express my concern without coming off as intrusive or insensitive, and I’m not sure how to go about it. What do you recommend I do? — Concerned Cousin
DEAR CONCERNED COUSIN: This is delicate territory, so tread lightly. Ask your cousin for permission to speak freely about something that is on your mind. With her blessing, tell her how beautiful it is that she wants to have children and remind her of what a huge responsibility it is. Suggest that as she prepares herself for the possibility, she may want to consider going to therapy to address some of the trauma that she experienced as a child so that she can learn tools to work through her challenges as well as strategies for how to be a healthy parent.
If you have ever had therapy, tell her how it helped you. Or you may know of a friend who benefited. You cannot make her do it, but you can encourage her to prepare as best she can for her future child.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I have found myself in an uncomfortable situation with a friend of mine. We both have children, but my friend seems to be too lenient when it comes to parenting. Lately, she has been giving me unsolicited advice about my own child — with whom I have a great relationship. I appreciate her concern, but her constant input makes me feel undermined as a parent. I understand that she may have good intentions, but it’s important for her to recognize that every parent-child relationship is different. How can I approach this situation without jeopardizing our friendship? — Back Off
DEAR BACK OFF: Tell your friend you need to talk to her about something serious. If you can be face to face, that is best. Point out that you have noticed that the two of you obviously love your children very much, but your parenting styles are very different. You have chosen to keep your thoughts to yourself about how she parents her child. For whatever reason, she has not been able to extend the same courtesy. Ask her to stop giving you advice on how to care for your child. Tell her you don’t like it, and you don’t appreciate it. If you want her opinion, you will ask her. Otherwise, ask her to refrain from making comments.
Chances are, she will be surprised and want to know what you are talking about. Be prepared to give her a couple of examples of unsolicited advice that she has given you and how it made you feel. You may also share an example or two of things she does that you would do differently. Be careful not to pass judgment as you clearly articulate your thoughts. Being honest and compassionate should yield the best results. Her feelings may be hurt at first, but if your friendship is strong enough, it should survive this hiccup.
