College student tries to balance friends and going out
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DEAR HARRIETTE: As you probably know and have seen on TV, there is a lot of pressure for college students to go out every weekend, and sometimes even during the week. I used to go out a lot last year, and I met so many people by frequenting the same bar. This year, though, I really do not find it that enjoyable, especially since I have no access to clubs. Not going out is a choice to make against peer pressure, but after ducking plans a lot, it starts to feel like I am missing out.
With Halloween coming up, I know I will be going out. Yet I still feel a bit sad about the friends I have not connected with in a while because I stay at home or just go to a friend’s house. Do you think I should go out maybe once every two weeks, or should I try to find a way to include those bar friends in my life in other ways? — FOMO
DEAR FOMO: If the routine of every two weeks gives you a push to go out, try it for a month or two. Look to see what’s going on in your community, and select new activities so that you broaden your horizons. Pay attention at school to see if there are any people outside of your immediate friend group who are interesting, and check in to see what they are up to in the coming days. Expanding your friend group is another way to get you motivated. Regarding the friends you haven’t seen much, reach out to them one by one and plan a get-together. You could meet up on campus or choose some other spot where you can have fun and hear each other talk.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I met a guy last year who was in my extended group of friends. We always got along, and I could tell that he liked me, but he had a bit of a reputation. I went on a couple of dates with him last year before we went back home for summer. We had a lot of fun, but I could not take it seriously. Last week he asked me to go on another date, and I said yes. I had not seen him since the end of April, and I knew that I would have a good time. I would continue to go on dates with him because we get along very well, but due to his track record of getting around too much for my liking, I am not sure that I could ever take it seriously. Do you think I am leading him on by continuing to go out with him, or do you think it would be better if we make it clear that we are friends? — Setting Boundaries
DEAR SETTING BOUNDARIES: Be brave and bring up the subject directly with him. He obviously likes you — and you seem to like him, too. Tell him that you are somewhat apprehensive because of his reputation. Explain what is important to you in a relationship. If loyalty is high on the list, say so. If being in a committed relationship is important before there is any chance of any kind of intimacy, tell him that. Express your concern that if you two keep going out, things could naturally progress, but you don’t want to get closer if he is going to be messing around with other women. See what he says, and trust your instincts.
