This Christmas, Revive the Lost Art of Matchmaking
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Victor Joecks
Forget Christmas socks, board games or even cash. The gift many single young adults want most is a spouse. Put on your Santa hat and keep your eyes out for potential matches.
Marriage is a bedrock societal institution. It’s beneficial for those who tie the knot, too.
“Today, married women live longer, earn more and report more meaning in their lives, compared to single women,” Sophie Anderson and Brad Wilcox wrote recently for the Institute for Family Studies. “They are also markedly happier than their single peers.”
Married men are better off, too. The truth about marriage is a pretty compelling sales pitch. And most young people are already convinced. Even accounting for a dip in recent years, a strong majority of young Americans desire marriage.
But many single adults encounter a major logistical difficulty. They’ve yet to find a potential spouse who they’re attracted to and who shares their values and goals. That’s where matchmaking comes in.
Consider how my brother-in-law, Rob, met his wife, Monica.
It was 2002. Rob was a cop in Eugene, Ore., while Monica lived in Washington state. They didn’t know each other. But they had something better than a modern dating app — a family member on the lookout.
Monica’s aunt worked at a courthouse in Oregon. The aunt asked a friend if she knew any eligible young men for Monica. As it happened, her friend knew Rob and suggested him. The aunt soon met Rob and showed him Monica’s picture. She asked if he’d be interested in her. He sure was. After exchanging some emails, Monica came down from Washington state to meet him.
Seven months later, they were married.
Years later, it’s easy to take their relationship for granted, especially when you know their five children. Of course, they were going to get married and have a family. It had to be this way.
No, it didn’t. Their marriage was only possible because someone cared enough about Monica to play matchmaker.
These types of connections used to be commonplace. Part of that was of necessity. Decades ago, online dating didn’t exist. Singles needed family and friends to help them meet potential spouses. Now, singles can view the profiles of dozens of other singles on their phone.
It’s easier than ever to date, but marriage has been in a long decline. Part of that comes from changing values. It’s little wonder that marriage rates have dropped as society dissolved the connection between sex and marriage.
This suggests that while online dating can help those who are marriage-minded, it isn’t a cure-all. If a young adult’s online dating app had worked, he or she wouldn’t still be single. This is why family and friends shouldn’t stop playing matchmaker.
Think about a single young adult you know. Perhaps it’s a grandchild, niece, nephew or just a friend. You know something about their character and big-picture goals. Imagine you come across or already know someone of the opposite sex who has similar desires in those broad categories.
When that happens, you should be proactive about making an effort to introduce them to each other. You can’t make the sparks fly — that’s their job. But to not make the connection is to remove the possibility of that happening. Society and older adults should have the confidence to nudge younger adults toward beneficial outcomes.
Now, this can feel awkward. No one is saying that everyone should be married or that someone who isn’t dating is doing something wrong.
But working to connect someone sends the message that you believe that he or she has something attractive to another person. That’s a compliment, even when singles act defensively to mask their insecurities.
It’s time to revive the lost art of matchmaking.